100 reasons why I hate to win

100 reasons why I hate to win

for Tuli Kupferberg

1. All those messy spoils, cluttering up the closet.
2. It hurts with a physical ache.
3. I would lose hard-earned underdog status.
4. The embarrassment just stinks.
5. I'm not worthy.
6. Someone might compliment me.
7. The opposite of winning isn't losing; it's living.
8. I keep apologizing.
9. Gloating does not become Electra.
10. I like that Leonard Cohen book.
11. The Beatitudes prefer losers.
12. The Tao Te Ching says, "Stay to the feminine."
13. I own no shoes with face-grinding heels.
14. Winning takes too much time.
15. I am a pacifist; I'm used to losing.
16. Everything that is wrong in the world is because of football.
17. I slipped through the little hole on the yang side.
18. I might get dizzy standing on an Olympic platform.
19. Meetings are required for winners. I hate meetings.
20. I don't own enough hand sanitizer to receive congratulations all day.
21. To live is to struggle. To win is no longer to struggle.