7 junio 2008: Jealous

my cousin is visiting
madagascar
this year

last year it was italy

i've been to italy
a lot
so that's ok

but now i'm jealous
a lot

no use pretending
any different

i never go anywhere

did you think this was a poem
well it's not
i'm just angry or maybe numb, whatever

because the garage is collapsing
because i'm old
because i have no satisfying work
because i never get a vacation
because i feel like a slave
because i am disrespected
because there is no work in this town for me
because i am taken for granted
because i have no sex life
because i can't afford the needs of my grown children
because i feel responsible for my children and am unable to nurture them to independence
because the house is in disrepair
because the water heater flooded
because i have too many possessions, mostly worthless
because i can't write
because nothing satisfies me, except poker
because i am out of shape
because i can't afford a colonoscopy
because i can't afford therapy
because i don't believe in therapy
because i lost my work
way back when
and never got back on my feet
because there is no way I can register a complaint
because if i express satisfaction, people think it is vanity
because too many people believe in superstitions
because i have no escape
because religion has failed for me
because i am tired of being enlightened, seeking enlightenment, or imagining that there is enlightenment

and there's nothing i can do about it

without leaving

and my stupid religious upbringing
won't let me leave
my wife
(who wouldn't care)

and she knows it

and uses me

like a mop

like everybody

and no

i'm not happy about it

no use pretending

i'm free

i can't even be bothered to exaggerate things
or turn them into art
like i'm sure gregory corso (beat poet children)
or christopher durang (playwright bobos)
could

i just blurt

see, don't you feel better
justin and jan and jotto

just schadenfreude your hearts out
while i go read
some beckett

i do have a lot of free time though

i should volunteer at the migrant workers office
that's the ticket

i told you this was therapy
not art