nose job

Every doctor and dermatologist I called in town gave me basically the same story.  A hundred bucks to walk in the door (after I'd already paid $80 to go to the first doctor, who only wanted to refer me to a specialist).  Then, $175 for the biopsy on this inconsequential bump on my nose, not much more than a pimple that sort of comes and goes in a monthly cycle for the last six months.  Then, lab work would be sent out, with costs estimated between $500 and $1000.  It's pricey, the first secretary had told me.  Total: $1200 for the diagnosis.  Well, I already knew that it was possibly a basal cell carcinoma, according to Lee's health book.  I've been slathering it with aloe vera gel.  I believe in both self-diagnosis and self-medication.  If I weren't scared, I'd just cut it off myself.

Besides, I don't trust doctors.  When I went in for the first consultation, I also had Doctor Achmed look at a hemorrhoid that had popped out between the time I made the appointment and the visit.  In 50 odd years, I'd never had that problem before.  Was it dangerous?  No, he said.  But it won't go away, he said.  You'll have to have it removed.  He made another appointment with another specialist for surgery.

I didn't keep either appointment.  The hemorrhoid wasn't dangerous, it didn't bother me, and why bother, I thought.  

The thing is, it did go away when I was experiencing the healing effect of walking New York City streets.  The doctor was wrong.  Again.

But I thought maybe I should get the nose thing taken care of.  I needed another trip to Guatemala, where I was sure they'd be able to lop it off for a pittance.  Adding air fare and time off costs, it would be cheaper than having it done here.

Last entry in the Yellow Pages, an ad, Naresh Goel MD FACS, reads (verbatim) "Removal of Skin GROWTHS, CYSTS, MOLES, WARTS, TAGS, CANCER, etc of face, scalp, nose, eyelids, lips, ears, mouth, etc. etc. DONE IN OUR OFFICE WITH PRECISION"

An irresistible appeal.  I call.  I'm driving through the country, my arms covered with white, pasty zinc oxide, stuffing tubes and talking on the phone.  The woman who answers the phone is very informative.  One day a month, they offer a free clinic for those without health insurance, a diagnosis with no charge.  Then, if they deign to remove something (on second appointment), it might be in the neighborhood of $200.  Cheaper than Guatemala, alas.

"I want to make two appointments," I tell her.  One for me and one for Lee, who has had a large skin tag sticking out of her swimming suit on her buttocks for the last year.  I tried to tie it off with a string, but it didn't seem to help.

I called Lee and told her to mark her appointment book.

"Is it two-for-one day?"  she asked.

"Yes," I told her.  "They will put my nose next to your bottom and do us both at once."

Actually, it's all a ruse to put my proboscis in near proximity to her posterior.

So, now I feel better and actually am looking forward to the appointment, potentially a healing adventure almost as good as a dip in Lake Atitlan.